I Despise This Saying

Last year I was in a virtual session for the millionth time (y’all know the Covid life) and heard a saying that incited so much anger and confusion in me. For transparency, I will admit that I’ve said the saying a handful of times, and I feel so ashamed, but I understand once a person knows better, they do better.

Follow me for a minute. In this virtual session, a person was saying how they had endured extreme grief by caring for their sick mother who had cancer, how they had to literally watch them suffer, and eventually “go on to be with the Lord,” as my granny would say. This person continued to speak about their trauma, the debilitating stress, and how they didn’t know Monday from Thursday. Everyone in the session was on the brink of tears, but what happened next made me turn off my camera, go into the kitchen, and pour myself a glass of bourbon to center myself.

The storyteller said that during all that, they successfully completed the program we were all in, and… “if they could do it, so could we.” One of the program directors immediately followed them by saying, “Now, there’s really no excuse for anyone.”

First, why would ANYONE who undergoes that type of grief encourage others to “power through it” instead of saying, “take care of yourself, your well-being, and emotional health”? Program directors and other administrators use that as a benchmark to determine what someone can and cannot do. So, if someone else loses a parent and needs to take time to heal, mourn, or reflect, they’ll be met with, “That’s no excuse. Justin went through something more difficult and excelled.” I would be LIVID to hear such a remark. And honestly, drop out of the program. Society is so focused on “getting back to normal” that we ignore the mental and emotional stability needed to get back to normal.

As someone who has experienced horrific loss these last few years, I say, take all the time you need to feel like yourself again. Pause that program, use those sick days, and request a 4-day work week if possible. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and not play by the rules someone else explicitly created for themselves. Some folks may be able to work through grief and trauma, but not everyone. That should not be considered the bar. We are harming so many people with that type of mindset.

I have eliminated that saying from my vocabulary, and I hope you do as well.

#TraumaResponse #TakeCareOfSelf #JustinKey #MentalHealthMatter